I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
