Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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