I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
