Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
