Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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