just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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