this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
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I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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