First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
