Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
