fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
