I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
