Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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