Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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