I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
