I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
