This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
