You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
