My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
3pm strippers are depressing
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
