I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
