you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
