Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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