I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
