I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
