eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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