i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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