If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
