dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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