Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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