Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
