The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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