Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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