I think my fart just growled at me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
