we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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