that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
