You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
