im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
