Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
