I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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