Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
