just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
