I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
