Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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