If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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