LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
