Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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