paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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