battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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