the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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