the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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