I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
