they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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