I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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