I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
