tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
