Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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