Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
