I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
